A Not So Happy Dysfunctional Family
by GoldenManekiNeko
Summary: Takes place one year after both Bride of The Joker and Babysitting Blues. The Joker wants to start over and live a normal life with his new family but trouble always seems to find him, even in a new city. Will poor Mr. J ever get his wish?
1. Chapter 1

"Aw, did somebody make a stinky? Does my little Charlie Chaplin need a diaper change?" Harley Quinn asked her adopted child in a mocking tone as she prepared the changing station in The Gas Station bathroom. Little, baby Charlie was wearing his old baby-blue T-shirt, along with his diaper which Harley had to remove in order to change him.

"I sure did Ma'. Whataya think of this crap?" Charlie joked, being able to talk thanks to the chemicals that he had been exposed to. He giggled as his Mother began changing his diaper.

"Charlie, ya shouldn't say that word; crap's not a nice word for babies like you to be sayin'..." Harley scolded as she held back the urge to gag at the aroma of the diaper's contents. She wasn't wearing her Harlequin costume at the moment but a pastel-pink, knee-length dress with pastel-pink heels to match. She was also wearing her blonde hair in high pigtails. Her and The Joker were in the process of moving to a different city, where they could hopefully start over and begin their new life as a normal, healthy family; this meant, that they would have to appear normal to the public as well so as not to be recognized by anyone as the infamous Clown King and Queen of Crime. They even went far as to shave Charlie's green hair in order to hide any further suspicions from any busy bodies. Harley's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a urinal flushing behind her as her husband, The Joker had just finished his business and had gone over to the sink to wash his hands.

"Goodnight in the mornin'! what is that putrid oder!" The Joker complained as he lathered the foamy soap into his hands. He had replaced his infamous, violet suit with a plain grey one and was now wearing a black wig to hide his green hair. He wasn't too concerned about his pale skin as it was more common for men with the hardworking appearance he was trying to obtain to not get out in The Sun very much.

"I made doodies!" Charlie giggled as Harley disposed of his soiled diaper and began powdering his backside. This provoked a disgusted groan from his Father as he finished rinsing his hands.

"How a little squirt like you craps so much, I'll never know..." The Joker mumbled under his breath as he grabbed a paper towel from the dispenser and began drying his hands.

"Mistah. J, not in front of the baby!" Harley gasped as she began to put a fresh, clean diaper on their son. For some unknown reason, she viewed the word, 'crap' as a swear word.

"It's just a natural part of life Dad, what goes in must come back out." Charlie defended.

"Well next time DON'T EAT SO MUCH THEN!" The Joker growled as he cradled Charlie into his arms.

"Puddin' Lower your voice..." Harley whispered worriedly.

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! Now, go buy Charlie some more diapers while I gas up the car..." The Joker demanded before exiting the bathroom with Charlie.

"Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes dear..." Harley gulped before entering one of the bathroom stalls. She changed into her Harlequin costume and pulled a gun from her purse before calmly sneaking out of the bathroom and toward the diaper isle. She grabbed what she needed, before cutting in line and placing it on the counter.

"I'll be takin' these and all the money ya got in your cash register..." She smirked sinisterly as the guy behind the counter held up one hand while using his free hand to empty the cash register. Harley was unaware that he had pushed a button on the counter that would contact The Police.

Meanwhile, The Joker had just finished gassing up his violet Cadillac when he was startled by the sound of Police sirens. He looked up toward the window and saw Harley robbing the store as he felt anger and annoyance begin to boil within him. He loved Harley but she could be such an idiot sometimes. Did she not know what could happen to their family if they got arrested? Charlie could possibly be taken out of their custody, they could be viewed as unfit parents and worst of all, The Joker could lose his family once again.

"That freaking idiot...That freaking idiot!" He muttered under his breath as he violently slammed the gas pump back into it's slot.

"YOU FREAKING IDIOT!" He screamed at the top of his lungs , gaining Harley's attention as he got into the driver's side of his Cadillac and drove off, in a fast pace.

"I gotta go; trouble with the husband..." Harley explained before gathering up all of her stolen money and her merchandise and rushing out of the store. When she exited the store, she could see cop cars surrounding the front of the building. She swallowed hard as she felt her adrenalin begin to pump with a fight or flight response, when her thoughts were interrupted by the plate-glass window behind her shattering. She turned to see the store clerk pointing a shotgun at her with a sinister grin on his face as he fired another shot at her. He just barely missed as Harley Quinn took off running around the other side of the building and down the road with all of The Police Cars chasing after her and shooting at her.

As she ran, she tripped over a pothole, causing her to drop her stolen packet of diapers. She quickly turned around and reached over to get it but then jumped back when a bullet had pierced it's packaging, gracing her finger a bit as it did so. She quickly sprung back up to her feet, forgetting about the diapers as she cut into the nearest suburb to hide in. She leapt over one of the house's fence and hid behind it as she waited for all of The Police Cars to pass by. She breathed a sigh of relief but then screamed in horror once she saw a large Doberman Pincher running toward her. The Doberman leapt into the air and snapped at her face, just missing her nose by a mere before it was pulled back due to the wooden stake in the ground it was chained to.

Harley was quick to circle around the dog before leaping back over the fence and taking to her heels once again. The dog had broken free from it's chain and had leapt over the fence, to chase after Harley.

"Stop in the name of the law!" One of The Police Officers yelled as he began driving straight toward Harley while shooting at her.

"Nope!" Harley shrieked as she began running in the opposite direction. She quickly yanked open the door to the nearest, unlocked vehicle, which just-so happened to be an Eighteen-Wheeler Truck and hopped into the passenger's seat. She then slowly turned her head to glare at the filthy overweight man in the driver's seat next to her menacingly.

"You're dressed just like a clown..." The trucker stupidly stated the obvious, further enraging Harley Quinn about her current situation.

"If ya know what's good for ya, ya'd better drive fast..." She threatened darkly as she pointed her gun at him. The trucker was quick to oblige as he stepped on the gas peddle, pushing it all the way to the floor and speeding down the road as fast as all eighteen wheels could carry his large vehicle. Meanwhile, The Joker was speeding down the road, while muttering under his breath about how much of an idiot he thought Harley was. He turned to check on his son, Charlie, who was safely strapped into a child's carseat in the back seat of his car.

"Hold on son; Daddy needs to take a shortcut!" The Joker shouted before driving toward a wooden fence at great speed. Charlie covered his eyes in fear as The Joker's Cadillac came crashing through the fence and roughly screeching around a corner. Meanwhile, the trucker was still driving Harley Quinn's escape car from The Police when his windshield had suddenly shattered. He let out a horrified scream as Harley looked up to see the store clerk from earlier standing in the middle of the road and pointing his shotgun at them. Harley quickly grabbed the steering wheel, taking a sharp turn into another neighborhood as the store clerk was tackled by the escaped Doberman Pincher from earlier.

"STOP!" Harley shrieked as the trucker was now beginning to drive up into someone's front yard. He slammed on the breaks, throwing Harley from the truck through the broken windshield and sending her flying into the yard. She weakly stood back up and kicked down the front door to the house with all of her strength, before cutting through house, ignoring the residence of the house giving her their looks of confusion and disapproval.

"Smells good!" Harley announced to who she assumed was the Mother of the house, who was cooking dinner in the kitchen.

"Dinner's ready!" Harley once again announced to the people on the back porch, before leaping onto the trampoline in their backyard and bouncing from it, over the fence. The Joker had arrived just in time for Harley to land into the open sunroof of his Cadillac, before continuing on his way.

"Thanks for the save Mistah. J!" Harley thanked with a sweet smile. The Joker responded by delivering a good, hard, roundhouse punch to her jaw.

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR EVER-LOVING MIND?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT COULD'VE HAPPENED TO OUR FAMILY IF YOU HAD'VE GOTTEN CAUGHT?!" The Joker scolded as Harley rubbed her throbbing cheek.

"But Puddin'..." She began, only to be cut off by her husband.

"Don't you but Puddin' me princess! Our lives of crime as Bonnie and Clyde are over! We're a family now! Things change!" The Joker shouted with a twitch of his eye as he turned the car sharply once again.

"And take that stupid thing off your head! You're a Mother now for cryin' out loud, not a clown! Act your role!" He snapped as he snatched the jester hat from her head.

"Yes dear..."Harley sighed sadly as she slumped down in her seat in defeat. She then opened her door and reached out to pick up the diapers she had dropped on the road when The Police were chasing her earlier.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	2. Halfway There

After what seemed like hours of driving, Harley Quinn awoke in the passenger's seat to find that it was now dark out. It had to have at least been about midnight by now from the looks of the night sky and Harley didn't like the looks of the area they were in. She scanned her surroundings, finding that they were in a rather sketchy neighborhood, that would often be refferred to as: The Ghetto, The Boondocks or The projects. She looked up to her husband, who's eyes were bloodshot and baggy as he appeared to be nodding off at the wheel. He didn't seem to notice that she was awake. She then turned to check on Charlie who had also just awoken from his long nap in the comfortable back seat of The Joker's violet Cadillac.

"Jo-ker!" He cried out in an annoying but almost pleading tone as the young child constantly craved attention from his adopted parents.

"Char-lie..." The Joker mocked his son's call in a tired tone that was followed by a yawn. The Father and son duo repeated this irritating routine for hours before Harley finally decided to speak up.

"Okay, I don't recognize that bridge; where are we?" She asked as she pointed to the decrepit bridge, plastered with graffiti that The Joker had just passed under.

"I don't know but this darn sure ain't Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood..." The Joker replied sarcastically with a yawn as he continued along the highway.

"Do ya even know where you're goin'? This place looks kinda...sketchy..." Harley asked in confusion as she glanced out the window, spotting the chalk, outline of a child traced on the road's concrete.

"Nope...I'm just going where the road takes me...Any place is better than Gotham...Except maybe here..." The Joker replied with a small gulp, beginning to feel uneasy by his surroundings as well.

"Oh crap-ola! We're in The Boonies..." The Joker realized as he tried his best to avoid saying the word, 'crap' under Harley Quinn's wishes, despite his annoyance.

"Is that a bad neighborhood?" Harley asked curiously, thinking that The Boonies was the name of the neighborhood and failing to realize that it was slang for The Ghetto.

"It's a poopy neighborhood..." The Joker replied in annoyance at Harley's ignorant question.

"Do you know where we are Harley?" He then asked suspiciously as he scanned his surroundings for any directional, road signs.

"No...I think we might be lost..." Harley gulped as she too looked around for any indication to their current location.

"We wouldn't be lost if you hadn't've lied to me..." The Joker muttered accusingly under his breath.

"What'd I lie about?!" Harley asked suspiciously, earning a rather intimidating glare from her husband, which caused her to lose her defensive composure.

"You know very good and well what you lied about Harleen..." The Joker growled, before turning his attention back to the road. Harley felt a lump of guilt begin to well up within her chest and throat as memories of the past events had begun to flash through her mind.

"Mistah. J..." Harley began sympathetically, only to be cut off by her husband.

"Call me Jack..." The Joker spat bitterly, not even daring to glance over at his wife.

"Puddin', I'm sorry!" Harley Quinn finally apologized, on the verge of tears. This caused The Joker to stiffen up a bit as his expression appeared unreadable. Awkward silence filled the car, before The Joker let out a defeated sigh. He then opened his mouth to respond but then he perked up once he got a glimpse of the city they were entering.

"Ha! Daylight! I know where we are now!" The Joker cheered excitedly as he continued along the highway.

"Huh? Ya know where we are?" Harley perked up as she once again began scanning her surroundings. The city was completely dead and silent, like a ghost town and it's only inhabitants appeared to be eerie statues of multicolored animals and the racial, Mexican stereotype.

"I know where we are now." The Joker happily reassured as he made his way through the city. Silence filled the car once again as Harley contemplated what she should say next. Maybe she could sweeten her apology a bit. The Joker was about to say something to her earlier but he never got a chance to finish his sentence or even start it for that matter, leaving her to only ponder the possibilities of what her husband could have wanted to say to her.

"Harley...?" The Joker began somberly, just barely above whisper. Harley stayed silent as she patiently listened and waited. She didn't expect him to forgive her right away; wounds like that took time to heel and Harley was mentally preparing herself for the possibility that her husband may not even forgive her at all.

"HARLEY?!" The Joker shouted when his wife neglected to respond.

"Yes Puddin'?" She asked timidly.

"WHERE IN THE WORLD ARE WE?!" The Joker screamed at the top of his lungs as the realization that he truly didn't know where he was going began to sink in.

"I seriously don't know Puddin'; ya took bunches of turns back there..." Harley replied sheepishly as The Joker mumbled all sorts of colorful words under his breath. He then tensed up again once he saw a silhouette of what appeared to be Batman.

"Oh shoot! Gotta cover my face!" The Joker panicked as he covered his face with his hand, causing the sleeve of his grey suit to slide down, exposing his pale but muscular arm to the figure.

"He's gonna see your white arm..." Harley giggled as the figure came into view a bit more. Now they could see it more clearly as it was yet another statue of a multicolored, giant owl. The Joker sighed in both relief and annoyance as he remembered that Catwoman had supposedly killed Batman as a wedding present for them. She had supposedly hacked him to death with an axe on the day of their wedding but unknown to both Harley Quinn and The Joker, Batman had survived the attack.

"Are ya sure ya don't wanna stop at a hotel or somethin' puddin'? Ya look kinda beat..." Harley asked in slight concern.

"No...No...Because we're already halfway there..." The Joker replied as he stared out at the road forlornly.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	3. Meet The Napiers

It was a bright, beautiful, sunny morning in St. Augustine Florida when Mr. Isaac Fane awoke peacefully from his nightly slumber. He headed into the kitchen, where his wife, Bliss Fane was making breakfast for the family and his daughter, Joy Fane was coloring pictures of her wonderful family. The Fanes were often a happy family; they always enjoyed life and looked on the positive side of all situations. This is why every, single day was beautiful to the Fane Family. Isaac poured himself a cup of coffee, which always made him feel perky and cheerful, before taking a seat at the kitchen table next to his daughter.

"Good morning dear." He happily greeted his wife, who smiled politely back at him, before bringing him a plate of pancakes with a smiley face made out of eggs and bacon.

"Daddy, look what I drew!" Joy beamed as she showed off her scribbly drawing of her and her parents holding hands in what appeared to be a bright, sunny day in a field, full of beautiful flowers.

"That's beautiful honey." Isaac grinned, before taking a sip of his coffee.

"WHAT THE HECK DO YA THINK YOU'RE DOIN' OVER THERE, YA DUMMY?! YOU'RE GOING TO GO DOWN TO THE HARDWARE STORE ASAP AND YOU'RE GOING TO LAY THAT SOD DOWN THERE YOURSELF AND YOU'D BETTER BY GEORGE HOPE IT GROWS!" The sound of a man shouting interrupted the Fane's peaceful morning.

"What in the world was that?" Isaac asked in both concern and confusion as his daughter, Joy clung to him fearfully.

"I think we just got some new neighbors dear." His wife announced as she peered out the window to see Harley Quinn and The Joker arguing in the front yard of their new home. The Joker's violet Cadillac appeared to have ran over their new mailbox and the grass beneath it seemed to be torn out of the ground in large patches.

"That's what I get for letting a woman drive my car! Why did you turn?! WHY DID YOU EVEN TURN?!" The Joker yelled as Harley shrunk down fearfully.

"I didn't turn!" She defended, despite her fear as her husband ran his hands through the black hair of his wig in frustration.

"You freaking idiot!" He shouted.

"Maybe we should go over and welcome them to the neighborhood, see if they need any help getting unpacked." Bliss offered with a cheerful smile.

"That sounds like wonderful idea honey-buns! Let's go!" Her husband cheerfully agreed. The Fane Family then headed over to Harley Quinn and The Joker's new home, Bliss with a cherry pie in hand as the two approached the arguing couple. The two stopped their arguing immediately once they saw their new neighbors approaching and instantly forced a smile.

"Howdy neighbor! My name's Isaac, Isaac Fane! This is my wife, Bliss and my daughter, Joy." Isaac greeted, before introducing his family to the former clown duo.

"I brought you a pie." Bliss offered the pie out to them with a grin as Harley politely accepted it with a small smile.

"Why thank you Mr. and Mrs. Fane; the name's Jack, Jack Napier and this is my beautiful wife Harleen Napier." The Joker introduced himself and Harley with a grin. He had to go back to using his real name, since he was attempting to give up his life of crime as The Joker.

"Everyone calls me Harley for short though." Harley grinned, earning a scolding nudge from her husband.

"Ow! What'd I do?!" She whimpered as The Joker reached down to pick up his son, Charlie, who was chewing on a screwdriver with his sharp teeth.

"And this here is our pride and joy, Charlie." The Joker grinned as he showed off the infant.

"How do you do?" Charlie asked with a sinister grin.

"He can talk?!" Isaac gasped as it was uncommon for young children Charlie's age to be able to speak that clearly at such a young age.

"The kid's an earlier bloomer; what can I say?" The Joker defended with a nervous grin as he held Charlie close.

"Well that's fantastic! Our little Joy didn't learn to talk 'till she was two!" Isaac beamed but then gasped in surprised when he felt Harley Quinn and The Joker's pet hyenas, Bud and Lou begin to sniff him and his family curiously.

"Oh! I see you've met our pets! These are our dogs, Bud and Lou. They're Chow, Dalmatian Mixes." The Joker lied and this lie was in deed believable since a hyena's appearance very-well could pass for a Chow, Dalmatian mix breed.

"Oh! They're absolutely adorable!" Bliss giggled as she reached down to pet Bud as Lou playfully licked her arm.

"Would you care to come in for a spot of tea?" The Joker offered. The Fane Family agreed as The Joker and Harley Quinn lead them into their box-filled home.

"We apologize for the mess; we're still getting unpacked you know?" The Joker apologized as he unpacked his tea kettle and tea bags, before beginning to brew the tea on his new stove.

"Aw, that's okay neighbor; we understand. We were actually going to see if ya needed any help gettin' unpacked." Isaac offered as he and Bliss took a seat on the unpacked, violet sofa while Joy played with Bud and Lou.

"We sure would appreciate that Isaac, especially since Harley needs to be getting to the hardware store to buy some supplies to fix the mess she made in the front yard." The Joker replied as he narrowed his eyes at Harley menacingly.

"I can't say I'm sorry like, a million times!" Harley defended, before grabbing the car keys but The Joker was quick to snatch them from her hand.

"Oh no you don't! You think you're driving after you ran over our mailbox and tore up our whole yard?! You will be walking to the hardware store!" The Joker ordered.

"But that'll take all day!" Harley whined.

"You should have thought of that before you ruined our front yard! Now go or Daddy spank!" The Joker ordered as he raised his hand threateningly. This earned a fearful squeak from Harley as she quickly rushed out the door.

"Women...You can't live with them...Period...Am I right?" The Joker joked as he poured two cups of tea for both Isaac and his wife.

"Oh I'm sure it was just an accident..." Bliss defended Harley.

"Yeah, I'm sure she didn't do it on purpose..." Isaac defended as The Joker took a seat on the couch next to the couple with his own cup of tea.

"Yeah, I'm sure everything that woman does is an accident..." The Joker grumbled angrily with a twitch of his eye, before taking a sip of his tea. It was then Isaac and Bliss noticed that Charlie was sticking a rusty nail in his ear. Bliss' horrified gasp was what brought The Joker's attention to the situation. He set his tea cup down on one of the boxes before standing up from the couch and going over to his son.

"Charlie, what the heck are you doing?!" He asked, before kneeling down to his son's height.

"There's cotton stuck in my ear Pa!" Charlie whined as he continued to dig at his ear with the rust-covered nail.

"Give me that!" The Joker ordered before snatching the nail from his son. He then pulled his son into his lap, forcefully turning his head to the side to get a better look inside his ear.

"Come here; let's get that junk out of your ear..." The Joker grumbled before careful beginning to dig through Charlie's ear with the rusty nail, much to Bliss and Isaac's horror.

"Why was there cotton in your ear in the first place?" Isaac couldn't help but ask.

"To keep the bedbugs outta my ears; Ma once told me a story about how several bedbugs crawled into Uncle Barry's ear while he was asleep and got stuck behind his eyes. They had to rush him in for emergency surgery and that's why every night I sleep with cotton stuffed in my ears..." Charlie explained as the Joker had finally managed to dig the cotton out of his son's ear.

"Got it!" He cheered as Bliss and Isaac exchanged worried glances. Their new neighbors sure were strange but they weren't going to completely judge them yet; they wanted to get to know them a bit better first. Maybe they were just a little rough around the edges and needed some hospitality.

"Say Jack, how would you and your wife like to join me and Bliss for dinner at a nice restaurant? Our treat." Isaac offered as he handed The Joker a piece of paper with the address to the restaurant on it.

"That sounds wonderful! We'd love to!" The Joker happily agreed. Maybe this could be his and Harley's chance to make friends with a normal couple and finally fit in for the first time in years and Isaac and Bliss seemed like nice people. Maybe the life of a normal civilian wouldn't be so bad after all.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	4. How It All Unraveled

It was now twilight out as Harley Quinn was walking back toward the home she shared with The Joker, struggling to carry the heavy bag of sod she had just bought to repair the damage she had accidentally caused to the front yard. This task would have been a lot easier if The Joker had have just let her use the car but he had been a lot harsher toward her since 'it' happened. Harley remembered the horrific incident as if it were only yesterday; she and Poison Ivy were having a drink at The Pinguin's Bar and Harley Quinn was particularly depressed that night. She hadn't heard from her beloved Joker in months and according to The News, he had been brutally murdered by The Puppet Master. The widow knocked back another glass of her vodka, before breaking down crying into the sleeve of her Jester Costume as her closest friend Poison Ivy attempted to comfort her.

"Come on Harl', please don't cry; you're better off without that creep..." Poison Ivy attempted to comfort her friend but this only made her cry even harder. Harley knew that Ivy had good intentions but she still didn't like to hear other people speak that way about her supposedly dead husband.

"Don'tcha get it Red? No, I'm not! I'm nothin' without him! I'm nothin'..." Harley sobbed and it was true; she was Harley Quinn, she only made sense with The Joker, nobody else. Ivy frowned, she needed to think of a way to get her friend's mind off of her supposedly deceased husband and fast.

She scanned the bar for any attractive men when she happened to spot one that went by the name of Floyd Lawton, A.K.A Deadshot. A smirk spread across her countenance at the sight of him. He would be perfect for Harley.

"Oh Harl'? Look..." Ivy grabbed her best friend's head and turned it in the direction she was looking in.

"Look at that poor young man over there, sitting in the corner all by himself...He looks lonely...We should go say 'hi'..." Ivy smirked as she began to lead Harley over to Deadshot, despite her protests. Deadshot glanced up at them once they approached him, giving them a quick once over, before smirking flirtatiously at the two, young ladies.

"Well hello Ladies...The name's Deadshot...What can I do for you two lovely ladies tonight?" He flirted as Ivy shoved Harley into his lap.

"Harley Quinn. See? The poor girl just recently lost her husband and she could use some cheering up." Ivy explained.

"Aw, that's too bad but don't worry baby; I'll help you forget all about him..." Deadshot promised as he grabbed Harley by the arm and lead her toward the back of the bar. Unknown to both Deadshot and Harley, The Joker had just entered the bar, rubbing the area around his face in pain as he had just recently had the skin of his face reattached to his head. He perked up once he had noticed Poison Ivy as he quickly rushed over to her in the hopes that she would know where his wife was.

"Pam'?" He asked, gaining her attention.

"J-Joker?!" Ivy gasped as she was surprised to see that he had survived his encounter with The Puppet Master. What a shame and she was hoping that Harley would finally be rid of him for good too.

"Have you seen Harley anywhere? I have to find her..." He begged desperately. Ivy grinned sinisterly as she got a devilish idea due to the current circumstances.

"Why she's right this way...Follow me..." She explained as she began leading The Joker toward the back. Meanwhile, Deadshot was trying his hardest to seduce Harley but to no avail. She only wanted to be with The Joker and no other man in the world could change that. She was meant to be with him and she could just feel it.

"Come on baby; I know you're down about that other guy but try to have a little fun..." He convinced. Well, maybe it wouldn't hurt for her to try and find new love, maybe she didn't have to stay Harley Quinn, maybe she could be with and become someone else. She leaned in hesitantly, before giving Deadshot a small kiss on the lips. She felt nothing from the kiss, it didn't feel right to her, he didn't feel right to her. She quickly pulled away, before looking down sadly.

"I'm sorry...I can't..." She apologized, earning a sympathetic look from Deadshot.

"Harley?!" The Joker asked in absolute horror and disbelief at the sight of his wife kissing another man, earning the attention of both Harley and Deadshot. He had only been gone for a few months and Harley had already replaced him this quickly? He could feel his heart shatter like glass as tears began to stream down his cheeks. He quickly covered his eyes with his forearm, before running out of the building.

"P-Puddin'?! Mistah. J, wait!" Harley cried out as she shoved Deadshot away from herself and took off running after her husband. She was so happy and relieved to see that he was still alive but now she had a new problem to deal with as she was stopped by her supposed friend Ivy.

"Let go of me!" Harley shrieked as she struggled to get free but Ivy only smirked at her.

"But don't you see Harl'? My plan worked; you're free of him now." Ivy explained happily as the realization had begun to sink in.

"You did this...WHY WOULD YA DO THAT TO ME RED?! To us?! WE HAVE A FAMILY!" Harley shrieked as she snatched her arm away from her former friend.

"Because Harl', you deserve better than him! He's an abusive, male-chauvinist pig! You're better off without him..." Ivy explained as Harley's eye twitched. This was all her fault, the one person who was suppose to be her best friend and have her back had just ruined her whole life for her.

"You say that but you're not gonna be the one who comes home and all your stuff's out in the yard! YOU SEXIST!" Harley growled, before delivering a hard, brutal punch to Ivy's nose, causing it to bleed and knocking her unconscious. She then ran out of the bar to find her husband. When she finally did find him, he had kicked her out of their hideout.

"But Mistah. J, let me explain..." Harley began, only to have to duck to avoid the suitcase full of Harlequin Costumes that The Joker had violently thrown straight toward her head.

"I was gone for six months Harley! SIX STINKIN' MONTHS AND YOU START GOING OUT WITH THAT GIGOLO?!" The Joker shouted as he stood in the doorway to block Harley's path so that she couldn't get back into their hideout.

"I wasn't goin' out with him! It was just one kiss puddin'; it didn't mean nothin', I swear!" Harley defended.

"Tell that to your new boyfriend!" The Joker shouted before slamming the door in Harley's face, leaving her to sulk on the doorstep of their hideout. It had taken several, cheesy stunts, before Harley had finally gotten The Joker to get back together with her but things had never really been the same since then. The Joker had barely even spoken to her anymore and when he did, it was to insult her or yell at her and that wasn't the worst of this situation; The Joker had already made an attempt on his own life three times and this frightened Harley.

It was then her cellphone rang. She had set the heavy bag of sod down so that she could get her phone from her purse to answer it.

"Hello?" She asked as she waited for a response from whoever was on the other line.

"Hello Harl'..." It was Poison Ivy. Harley Quinn narrowed her eyes at the sound of the all-too familiar voice of the person that had just ruined everything for her.

"Ivy...Whadaya want?! Haven't ya caused enough trouble?!" Harley complained. When she and The Joker had moved, she was hoping that they would finally be rid of Ivy trying to come between them but she had stupidly forgotten to change her phone number, which she now mentally kicked herself for.

"Harl' this whole 'trying to become normal' thing is ridiculous; when are you going to stop this nonsense and come home?" Ivy asked in concern as she felt guilty for what she had done to her best friend's relationship. She knew it was all her fault that they had moved and she just had to fix it somehow.

"This 'is' our new home now Red; we're doin' this for our son's sake, not because of what you did but I would appreciate it if you'd never call this number ever again!" Harley screamed into the phone before violently hanging up on Poison Ivy. She was unaware that she was standing near a fence that surrounded a field full of horses as she was startled by one of them huffing into her ear. She quickly picked up her bag of sod and fearfully began running home in the dark. Now she truly did wish that her and The Joker weren't fighting so that she could have used the car.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	5. Making Up Is Hard To Do

When Harley Quinn had finally made it home, she quickly began laying down the sod, before repairing the broken mailbox and standing it back upright. She was extremely desperate to make amends with her husband and she did everything she could to make sure that she could get on his good side and stay there. By the time she had finished her yard work, it was dark out. She was a mess: her hair was disheveled, she was covered in dirt and sweat-stains had even begun to form on the areas of the dress that were under her arms. She wiped the sweat from her brow, before heading inside to go find her husband.

"I finished fixin' up the yard Mistah. J...Mistah. J?" She announced as she entered the master bedroom she shared with The Joker. She had found The Joker in the master bathroom, dressed in a nice, black tuxedo, complete with a black bow-tie, which he was currently in the process of straitening as he gazed into the mirror at his outward appearance.

"You know Harl'? I don't understand why people have to go around shooting people, stabbing people and blowing things up...Like I would do something like that Harley..." The Joker stated in a dead-serious tone as he gave Harley a look that stared right into her soul. Harley frowned in concern. He really had changed.

"Listen, Mistah. J? I've been meanin' to talk to ya about somethin'..." She began as she took a few steps closer to her husband.

"There's no time Harley; our new neighbor's have invited us out to dinner tonight. Now change out of that smelly, sweaty thing and get ready." He ordered as he checked in the mirror to make sure that his black wig was on strait.

"But this is important...Mistah. J..." She began again.

"Jack..." The Joker corrected.

"Jack, we need to talk about what happened that night at the bar..." Harley finally blurted out. The Joker's eyes widened slightly at the traumatic memory as he kept his back turned to his wife.

"Mm, whatcha sa-ay?! Mm, that you only meant well?! Well, of course you did!" The Joker began to sing loudly as he covered his ears to tune out Harley in an attempt to avoid the painful subject. This subject was especially hard for The Joker since he had trusted Harley and after all they had been through together, it hurt him dearly that she would just throw their relationship away for some sleaze she met at a bar. If only he knew this weren't the case.

"Mistah. J, please!" Harley attempted to talk over his singing as she was becoming frustrated with his childish tactics to avoid talking about the one issue that kept a barrier up between them.

"Mm, whatcha sa-ay?! Mm, that it's all for the best?! Well, of course it is!" The Joker continued to tune her out as he shut his eyes tightly, keeping his back turned to her.

"Would ya just...?!" Harley began again, growing even more frustrated. She wanted so badly to fix things between them but The Joker just wouldn't let her.

"Mm, whatcha sa-ay?! Mm, that it's just what we need?! You decided this! Mm, whatcha sa-ay?!" He continued, furthering Harley's frustration.

"Talk to me, LIKE A REAL PERSON!" She finally shouted as her shout echoed throughout the partially empty house. This shout had gained her husband's attention but she instantly regretted what she had said when she saw the pained look in his eyes as he finally turned around to face her.

"I'm not...a real person...?" He asked somberly as his voice cracked slightly. This comment from Harley had especially struck a nerve since he had been viewed as a freak his entire life, even before he had become The Joker, he was always known as 'that weird kid' at his school.

"No! N-N-No! No! No! It's just that...we need to talk about this Jack; things haven't been right between us since that incident at the bar and I just wanna make things right again...

I wanna fix this, I wanna make things normal between us again, I want us to go back to lovin' each other the way we use to...Is there anything I can do? Is there anything I can do to fix this, to make this right? Please Mistah. J, talk to me about this...

What are ya feelin'? What are ya thinkin'?" Harley begged with a sigh as tears now began to flow freely from her eyes. She watched as The Joker turned his back to her once again as the torturous silence filled the room.

"Do you love him?" The Joker finally spoke up after what seemed like endless moments of silence.

"No...No...It was just one, stupid kiss and I only did it 'cause Red pressured me into doin' it. It didn't mean nothin' to me; I didn't even wanna kiss the guy...I thought about ya the whole time, I never stopped thinkin' about ya for a second and I never stopped lovin' ya and I never will..." Harley promised as she placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Wait...Did you say Poison Ivy was behind all of this?" The Joker narrowed his eyes as he turned to face her. Harley nodded fearfully as this particular look he gave her often frightened her tremendously.

"That sexist, little, female-chavonist pig! I should've known she had something to do with this, this brew-haw-haw! That horrid misandrious never liked me and I didn't even do anything to her!" The Joker began to rant as Harley felt herself relaxing slightly now that her ex, best friend, Poison Ivy had taken her place in The Joker's vision of hatred. She relaxed even more once her husband had embraced her in a tight, bear-hug.

"I'm sorry I didn't listen to you Harleen; I should've known that you never would've done anything like that to me..." He apologized as his eyes began to tear up a bit from guilt and sentiment.

"It's okay Puddin'...Nobody's perfect..." She reassured as she hugged him back just as tightly, holding him close as if she would never let go of him again. Bud and Lou both smiled up at their owners happily as they were glad to see that everything was alright between the two now.

"Oh drat! I almost forgot about the dinner! Harley, you have to get ready now!" The Joker panicked as he remembered their dinner date with their new neighbors.

"WHAT?!" Harley panicked alongside him.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	6. Fool's Dinner

The Joker, Harley Quinn and Charlie were on their way to a place called Cordova, the restaurant that their new neighbors, The Fanes had invited them to. The Joker was diving his Violet Cadillac while Harley peacefully road next to him in the passenger's seat and Charlie was strapped into a child's carseat in the back. Now that they had worked everything out, Harley Quinn and The Joker were genuinely happy for the first time in months. They felt like they use to feel back when they had first met, like nothing but happiness awaited them in their future; they had each other and that was all they needed to truly be happy. Harley had luckily managed to clean herself up and get changed in only a matter of seconds and was now wearing a long, red, sequin dress with a slit up the side, revealing a bit of her thigh and a pair of red high-heeled shoes. She had, had practice with quick wardrobe changes thanks to being a villain for so, many years.

Her long, blonde hair had also been pulled back into a tight bun, similar to the one she wore when she was a psychiatrist but it was held in place by a studded, red hair-clip. Both her and The Joker were dressed nicely for the elegant occasion.

"I'm definitely going to have to ask for their dessert menu..." The Joker stated with a lick of his lips. He always loved things that were either real sugary or full of caffein even since he was a child.

"Ya always order from the dessert menu first; don'tcha think our new neighbors are gonna find that suspicious?" Harley asked in light concern. Charlie sat in boredom as he listened to his supposed parents chat away about what they were going to get at this restaurant. He didn't understand why he had to be strapped down to a carseat; he wasn't like the other babies; he was actually mature, he wouldn't wander off or get into trouble like most children would. He quickly began gnawing at the straps of his carseat with his unnaturally, sharp teeth as his parents proceeded to ignore him.

"Puddin'?" Harley asked timidly once their conversation about dinner had ended.

"Yes Harley, my-darling, my-dear, my-love?" The Joker asked happily as he was now for the first time in months back to his all-too bubbly personality.

"Will we ever be Harley Quinn and The Joker again?" Harley asked forlornly as she wondered if this change were permanent. Harley Quinn had become a part of who she was and she missed putting on that costume and making people smile. The Joker grew silent as he missed being his fun-loving, clown-like self as well. If only there were a way they could still be The Joker and Harley Quinn without doing anything illegal.

"I don't know Harley...I don't know..." The Joker replied somberly with a sigh. It was then he noticed that his son, Charlie had managed to chew his way out of the carseat and had fallen onto the car floor when The Joker had accidentally turned too sharply.

"Oh dagum! The little brat got out of his carseat!" The Joker complained as Charlie began to cry.

"He's the freakin' Tasmanian Devil!" Harley exclaimed as she and The Joker had arrived at the restaurant. After Harley Quinn and The Joker had captured their adopted son, they entered the restaurant, asked for the Fanes and were lead to the table that the family was seated at.

"Jack! Harleen! Glad you two could make it!" Isaac greeted as Harley and The Joker took a seat across from the family.

"Why hello there Mr. Fane. How nice of you to invite us out to dinner like this." The Joker greeted with a smile.

"Please neighbor; call me Isaac." Isaac insisted with a small but welcoming smile.

"Wow this place sure is pretty. Thanks for invitin' us here." Harley thanked.

"Oh, it's no problem at all deary; it's our treat." Bliss smiled.

"Hi! My name's Joy!" The Fane's daughter happily greeted Charlie.

"Hey..." Charlie pouted as he was still upset about the injury he had acquired in the car on the way to the restaurant.

"Is everything okay?" Joy asked once she noticed that Charlie seemed to be in a fowl mood.

"yeah, it's just that...Do you ever feel like you...you know? Don't fit into your own family?" Charlie asked her as their parents ordered their food and began making smalltalk.

"No, never; my family loves me bunches!" Joy cheered.

"Well, I'm not so sure if mine does; on the way up here, I fell and hurt myself and my Dad didn't even care, he even called me a 'brat'!" Charlie vented his feelings to her.

"Aw, I'm sure he didn't mean it; he's your daddy..." Joy reassured as she placed a hand on his shoulder. Now that Charlie thought about it, his parents have proven to him on numerous occasions that they do indeed care about him, they even moved to St. Augustine to protect him after all.

"You're right; he was probably just showin' me tough love so I'd you know? Be tougher." Charlie agreed with a smile.

"Wanna go play?" Joy asked happily.

"Sure!" Charlie excitedly agreed, before the two children snuck off to go play somewhere, undetected by their parents. After fifteen minutes of smalltalk, The Joker and Harley Quinn were beginning to grow impatient with the amount of time that it was taking the waiter to bring them their food.

"How long we been waitin' for?" Harley spoke up after an awkward moment of silence.

"Fifteen stinkin' minutes..." The Joker grumbled as he held his head in his hand, resting his elbow on the table.

"Oh, I'm sure they'll be out soon..." Isaac reassured, in an attempt to stay positive. It was then, as if on cue that the waiter had finally returned with their food.

"Sorry for the wait; please enjoy your meals." The waiter apologized as he placed the meals on the table. The Joker glared down at his plate of food, only to see that they had gotten his order wrong. He growled lightly as his eye twitched. He was already furious with the waiter for being so late, now he had to go and get his order wrong too?

"Oh waiter?" The Joker asked as politely as he could manage.

"Y-Yeah?" The waiter asked nervously. The Joker responded by slamming his plate of scalding, hot food into the waiters face.

"it appears that you have a bit of the WRONG ORDER! In your hair..." The Joker mocked with a sadistic smirk.

"I-I'm so sorry sir; I'll bring your order out right away..." The waiter apologized before rushing off back to the kitchen. It was then The Joker had realized what he had done as his face began to heat up from embarrassment.

"I-I'm sorry but you can't get good service nowadays..." The Joker apologized with a nervous smile.

"Ah, don't worry about it neighbor; sometimes hunger gets the better of all of us." Isaac chuckled before attempting to put ketchup on his food. He let out a small, annoyed groan once he realized that it was stuck at the bottom of the bottle and that it would take him forever to get it out no matter how many times he shook and squeezed the bottle.

"Oo! I have a trick for that!" Harley grinned as she took the bottle from him. She then held the ketchup bottle where it was alined with her arm, before beginning to swing her arm around in a circular motion.

"Stop! STOP! HARLEY STOP!" Harley seized her actions when she heard The Joker yelling for her to stop, only to see that he along with The Fane Family and the tablecloth were completely covered in ketchup. It was then Harley realized that the cap was still off of the bottle.

"Oops..." She giggled sheepishly as the manager of the restaurant approached their table.

"Excuse me ladies and gentlemen but could you please control your children?" The manager pointed to Charlie and Joy, who were running amuck around the restaurant, crawling under the tables and rolling around on the floor. Harley Quinn and The Joker exchanged nervous glances, before running over to their son to catch him. The Joker had grabbed Charlie by the collar of his shirt, before lifting him into the air as Isaac and Bliss ran over to grab their daughter, Joy.

"What in the world do you think you're doing?! We are people darn it!" The Joker yelled before using his fork to lightly but still painfully stab his son in the head causing him to shriek in pain. He and Harley then both looked up at The Fane Family, who were staring at them in absolute horror. Some first impression they had made...

TO BE CONTINUED...


	7. Clowning Around

"We are so sorry about this Mr. and Mrs. Fane; our little Charlie usually doesn't act up like this..." The Joker apologized as he held the sobbing Charlie in his arms. He was completely oblivious to the fact that he shouldn't have been corporally punishing Charlie in public as he quickly became annoyed with the infant's sobbing and slapped him in the side of his head as hard as he could, silencing his cries.

"Shush!" He scolded as Charlie quietly but sadly rubbed his now-swollen cheek. Much to The Joker and Harley Quinn's surprise, the Fane family's looks of horror quickly changed into looks of happiness as the two began to crack up laughing.

"Oh Jack ol' buddy, you are a riot! Say, since you and your wife are such good comedians, how would you two like to host Joy's friend's Birthday party? Her name is Susan Queens and her party could use a couple of clowns; the last ones canceled on us at last minute unfortunately..." Isaac explained as he wrote down the address to Susan Queens' house and handed it over to The Joker.

Harley and The Joker both exchanged glances as wide smiles spread across both of their faces. They then both squealed excitedly in delight before embracing each other tightly. They found a way to still be themselves without harming anyone or doing anything illegal; a clown business. It would be the perfect way to legally make money to take care of their family with so the next day, The Joker went out, bought a white concession wagon and spray-painted candy apples all over it. He and Harley then put on their old clown costumes, The Joker finally removing his black wig for the first time in days, revealing his emerald-colored hair.

"Ah! I feel like a human being again!" Harley beamed as she did a few cartwheels to further show off her excitement.

"Yeah...It feels good to finally take that hot, itchy wig off..." The Joker sighed in relief as he massaged his scalp.

"Hey, where's my clown suit?" Charlie piped up as he couldn't find his yellow tuxedo or fedora anywhere. The Joker gulped nervously as he had lost Charlie's original costume during the move but he then got an idea as he dressed Charlie in a tiny pair of overalls and a straw hat.

"You can be a Country-Bumpkin clown now!" The Joker grinned though Charlie did not look too pleased with this new change. When Charlie, The Joker and Harley Quinn had arrived at Susan Queens' Birthday party, they didn't hesitate to leap out of their new concession wagon and do a few impressive cartwheels before landing in front of the Birthday girl herself.

"Susie Q.! Susie Q.! Happy, happy, happy Birthday to you!" Harley Quinn and The Joker both sang in unison as Charlie halfheartedly did a goofy dance behind them for the children's entertainment. The children cheered and surrounded the clown trio in excitement as Harley and The Joker bent down to greet all of the children and offer them candy.

"Hey kids, how about a few balloon animals?!" The Joker suggested as an orange, elongated ballon began to extend from his unzipped pants.

"Oh my!" Harley blushed as she grabbed ahold of the balloon and twisted it into the shape of a hyena. Susan's parents exchanged suspicious glances at the new clowns' inappropriate display as they worried for their child's safety. They just hoped that these clowns weren't the type of clowns that abducted children. The whole, rest of the day, The Joker made balloon animals, told jokes and did card tricks for the children while Harley Quinn and Charlie both attempted to do backflips in the bounce house but neither of them could get their backflips just right, due to the bumpy exterior of the bounce house's floor.

"Excuse me Mr. Joker sir? I can't find my glasses..." One little girl sniffled as she gently tugged on the leg of The Joker's pants to get his attention.

"Aw well, we can't have that now; can we? Who wants to help ol' Mr. J find this young lady's glasses?" The Joker asked with a large grin but none of the other children seemed too interested in helping out with the search for the young girl's glasses. That was, until The Joker threw his deck of razor-sharp cards at the children, just narrowly missing all of them.

"I said this little girl lost her dadgum glasses! Now are ya gonna help us find 'em or are ya all gonna just stand there like a bunch of ninnies?!" He yelled as all of the children fearfully scattered about to search for the young girl's glasses. While The Joker assisted the little girl on the search for her glasses, Harley was still attempting to do a backflip while Charlie tiredly awaited along the sidelines of the bounce house. No matter how hard Harley tried, she just could not do a perfect backflip in this bounce house so she began bouncing harder and harder and higher and higher before attempting once again to do another backflip. She had finally managed to do a full, perfect backflip, landing on her feet but when she had landed, she had landed on one of the grooves of the bounce house's floor sideways and it sent her flying and crashing into Charlie up against the wall of the bounce house, tilting the whole thing over.

The Joker pointed and laughed at his wife and son's dilemma as Charlie began to scream and cry out in fear and pain. The other children joined in on the laughter as all of the parents ran to Harley and Charlie's aid to help flip the bounce house back over. By the time they had gotten the bounce house flipped back over, it was almost dark out but The Joker was not about to let the party end there.

"Hey kiddos; how's about one, last song before we blow this dump, eh?" The Joker asked before turning on his radio to a station that chanted 'it's our party, we can do what we want' in a deep voice as Harley rhythmically hummed along with him.

"Red cups and sweaty bodies everywhere, hands in the air like we don't care, 'cause we're here to have so much fun now. Bet somebody here might get some no-ow! If you're not ready to go home, can I get a heck no?! 'Cause we're gonna go all night 'till we see the sunlight! Alright!

'Cause we can't stop and we won't stop! Can't you see it's we who own the night?! Can't you see it's we who 'bout that life and we can't stop and we won't stop! We run things, we don't run we, don't take nothin' from nobody! Ye-eah!" The Joker sang as he began to twerk playfully.

Several kids groaned in disgust while their parents shielded their eyes. Harley on the other hand, was cheering The Joker on as they felt that their performance was successful.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	8. Misunderstood and Neglected

"Ah what a fun night that was! I finally feel like my old self again!" The Joker cheered as he happily entered his home, followed by his wife and son.

"It sure was Mistah. J! A clown business; who woulda thought that'd be our callin'?" Harley grinned as she stripped herself of her hot, itchy, jester costume and changed into her red and black nightgown.

"What a pleasant way to make money legally and our lives never really changed that much at all." The Joker grinned as he stripped down to his boxers. He then went over to the computer to begin setting up a website for their new clown business. If he wanted to make a living off of this new discovery, he would have to advertise himself to the public after all.

"You go ahead on to bed shnookems; daddy has to set up our business website." The Joker instructed as he continued working on the website.

"Sure thing Puddin'!" Harley beamed with a sweet smile as she carried Charlie to his room to put him to bed before going to bed herself. The Joker spent a good portion of the night working on every, single, tiny detail of their website as this was something that both he and Harley were passionate about. When he had finally finished his new website, it was roughly around midnight as The Joker let out a tired yawn before heading to bed. For the rest of the night, he slept peacefully while cuddling his beloved Harley Quinn close to his soft, warm body until he was awoken early the next morning by his infant son's annoying cries from the other room.

"Would you shut up?!" The Joker growled as he was not quite fond of the sound of a baby's crying and he had been up half of the night working on his website and was still quite exhausted. Charlie however, was not giving up on getting at least one of his parents' attention as his diaper was full and he needed to be fed. He climbed out of his crib with great difficulty and made his way into his parents' bedroom. Harley was still asleep but The Joker was trying to get back to sleep from having previously been woken up by his son.

"Dad?! Get your butt out of bed and make me some pancakes!" He yelled as The Joker stirred lightly, attempting to tune him out.

"Charlie, get out of here; it's eight 'o clock...You never get up at eight 'o clock..." The Joker complained tiredly as he rolled over to turn his back to his son.

"Dad, get the heck up!" Charlie demanded as The Joker rolled over to glare at him menacingly. This was Charlie's first warning.

"Charlie, get your butt out of here and leave me alone! I DIDN'T GET TO SLEEP LAST NIGHT!" The Joker shouted angrily. His eyes were bloodshot from both exhaustion and rage as he wasn't much of a morning person. Harley knew from experience that in the morning, her husband was at his meanest.

"But I'm hungry and I need a diaper change!" Charlie whined.

"I am NOT changin' your dirty diaper! Get outta here!" The Joker growled as he rolled back over.

"Will you at least tell me where the pancakes are?" Charlie begged.

"They're in a little, white box that says 'Aunt Jemima' on it in red. There's three pancakes and two, little sausages, I think and you're going to have to heat up the whole tray...Go in there...It's in the freezer!" The Joker explained as Charlie finally left his father alone to go make himself some pancakes but he could not even reach the freezer to check for them so he went searching in the bottom cabinet's for an alternative.

He found a box of Bisquick in the cabinet with a picture of a pancake on it and brought it back to The Joker.

"Is this it dad?" He asked, showing him the box as The Joker rolled over to look at it.

"Charlie, get out of here! Ya know stinkin'-well that ain't it! Get out of here and leave me alone! Jeez!" He snapped before rolling back over.

"Well I can't reach the freezer and this is all i could find of pancakes!" Charlie whined.

"Charlie?! Go put my stinkin' Bisquick back in the Stinkin' cabinet where it belongs and make yourself a stinkin' Poptart!" The Joker gave his son one, final warning.

"But dad..." Charlie began when he was suddenly backhanded hard enough to send him flying across the room and into the wall.

"I told you to SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" The Joker snapped before exiting the master bedroom while cursing underneath his breath. Charlie shakily pulled himself up from the floor and followed his father out into living room. The Joker pulled up the website he had created the night before to see if he and Harley had been booked for anymore parties yet but he was surprised to find that they had not gotten any books yet. This was certainly strange but it was rather early in the morning so The Joker had just assumed that nobody was awake and willing to book clowns at this hour.

He decided to check the reviews section of his site to see if anything had been posted at all and he was shocked to see that there were five new reviews. He read a few of them and was horrified by the content of what he was reading.

"Do not book these clowns. Their act was disgusting and too inappropriate for the children and they tipped over our bounce house." Susan Queens' parents posted on the site.

"Don't forget about when the male clown freaked out and screamed at the kids; he almost killed my son with those cards! What were they made out of anyway, razor blades?" Another concerned parent posted.

"John Wayne Gacy anyone?" Another parent posted, along with a GIF of The Joker and Harley's balloon animal act. The Joker exited the website as he did not take criticism well, especially toward his jokes, which he was particularly sensitive and passionate about. How were he and Harley going to continue their clown business if nobody wanted them at their parties? He then became annoyed once again as his son, Charlie had begun to cry from hunger.

"Stop!" He demanded as he kicked Charlie across the room. Charlie once again smacked into the wall, bashing his head hard enough to make it bleed a bit. He stood back up and fearfully stared up at his father who was standing across the room from him and glaring at him menacingly. Their stare-down was then interrupted by Harley entering the room.

"Mornin' puddin'! Can I getcha anything for breakfast?" Harley greeted as she entered the kitchen, not seeming to take notice to Charlie's head injury at all.

"Oh, no thank you schnookems..." The Joker sighed sadly as he took a seat at the kitchen table.

"Everything okay puddin'?" Harley asked in concern as she had picked up on the hint of depression in her husband's voice. The Joker somberly pulled their website back up and showed her all of the nasty, hateful reviews while Charlie weakly stumbled into the kitchen and knocked over the garbage can to search through the garbage for food.

"I mean that was a mother that said that to me..." The Joker sighed, on the verge of tears.

"I know puddin'...I know..." Harley comforted when she noticed Charlie digging through the garbage.

"Charlie, get outta the trash!" She scolded as she pulled Charlie out of the pile of garbage and carelessly tossed him back into the living room. Charlie landed on the floor roughly by The Joker's feet as he let out pained groan. He then glanced up at his father only to be greeted by a disapproving glare from him.

"You've earned yourself a timeout Mr. ..." The Joker scolded as he picked up Charlie and tossed him out of the front door. Charlie painfully landed face-first onto the concrete driveway as his head began to bleed even more.

"You can come back in when you're ready to behave..." The Joker scolded as Charlie painfully picked himself back up from the ground and began limping away from his home. Hungry, filthy and beaten nearly to death, Charlie limped a good few miles down the road until he had collapsed from exhaustion into a nearby, dark alley. He began to whimper and cry from pain and hunger, earning the attention from Bruce Wayne, who was currently on vacation in St. Augustine at the time.

Bruce gasped at the sight of the beaten child, mistaking his spliced, pale skin for near death.

"It's okay; I'm not going to hurt you..." He reassured as he cradled the infant into his arms and began to carrying him back toward his vacation home.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	9. The Search Party

"Charlie?! Oh, Charlie?! Breakfast! Sewy! Piggy!

Sewy! Piggy! Piggy! Soup's on fat boy!" The Joker called out the front door before making realistic pig noises.

He waited impatiently for Charlie to come running to get his food but he never did. This was certainly strange since Charlie never missed a meal.

"Charlie?! Come on you little piggy; I know you're hungry!" The Joker called out again as he scanned his front yard for his one and only son but there was no trace of him.

"Okay fine, I'm sorry I had to punish you earlier; I've just been under a lot of stress lately and I never meant to take out my frustrations on you..." The Joker gave in and apologized for his actions but little did he know that Charlie wouldn't be around to hear his father's apology.

"Charlie, if you don't get over here and eat your breakfast this instant, you're going to be in big trouble Mr.!" The Joker warned as his patience was beginning to ware thin.

"I'm going to count to three! One...two...two and a half...two and three quarters...two and five eights?" The Joker prolonged his countdown as he was beginning to grow uneasy at the lack of response from his child.

"Ow! Oh! Charlie I'm hurt!" The Joker cried out as he laid down on the ground and pretended to be in pain as a last resort to get Charlie's attention.

"Charlie?" The Joker asked a bit forlornly once there was no response to his cries for help; at least not from Charlie.

"Puddin', what's the matter?! Are Ya hurt?!" Harley panicked as she came rushing to her husband's aid.

"No, worse! I can't find Charlie!" The Joker cried as he sat back up.

"WHAT?!" Harley panicked. It wasn't much longer after that moment that the clown duo had alerted the whole neighborhood and the police department about their missing child and everyone journeyed out on a search party to looking for little, baby Charlie. They searched and searched until it was nine o' clock at night. The Joker had left the group to take a smoke break.

He breathed in the cigarette smoke's soothing fumes as tears began to roll down his cheeks before exhaling the puff of smoke with a light sob. What if something bad had've happened to him? What if he had've been kidnapped? What if he never saw his son again? All of these thoughts raced through The Joker's mind, along with all of the memories he and Harley had with Charlie as he cried softly while smoking his cigarette.

"Mistah. J?! Mistah. J?!" Harley cried out as she bounded over toward her husband.

"What?!" The Joker snapped bitterly as he quickly wiped the tears from his face. he just hated it when people saw him cry, even if it was just Harley.

"I just remembered, I had one of those doggy, computer chips implanted inside of Charlie; I can track him with my phone!" Harley exclaimed as she pulled out her cellphone to begin tracking their son.

"You had a microchip for dogs implanted inside of our son?" The Joker asked disapprovingly.

"Ah! I found the signal! Look!" Harley cheered as she showed her husband the location on her phone.

"No..." The Joker narrowed his eyes in bitter anger once he saw the location as he had often looted this place and had recognized as Bruce Wayne, A.K.A Batman's vacation home.

"Heck no!" He yelled again, enraged as he had a feeling that Batman would one day try to confiscate their child from them.

"Come on Harley! Let's go!" He ordered as he rushed over to his vehicle. Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne had just finished nursing Charlie back to health but his skin was still a sickly pale and Bruce just could not figure out why so he pulled out a device that could scan diseases from one of the end table's drawers and scanned Charlie for any viruses.

"Joker toxin?!" He exclaimed at the seriousness of the issue before pulling the antidote from the same, end-table drawer and injecting it into Charlie's bloodstream. The antidote would take a while before it took affect but what did The Joker want with a baby? Bruce's thoughts were interrupted when The Joker's violet Cadillac had come crashing in through the wall of Bruce Wayne's vacation home.

"Give me back my BABY!" The Joker screeched as he sent a yoyo out of his open, car window. The hard, plastic part of the yoyo had smacked Bruce in the face hard enough to send him flying backwards into the wall. Bruce hit his head on the way down and was knocked unconscious as the yoyo wrapped it's string around Charlie and pulled him back into The Joker's Cadillac. Once The Joker had his son back, He quickly began driving back toward his home with his still-unconscious son.

"This isn't over Joker..." Bruce growled as he picked himself up from the floor. When The Joker had arrived back at his home, he announced to the whole neighborhood and the police that he had found his son. The neighborhood was overjoyed but the police weren't too thrilled about not being the one's to find their child as they approached the couple and offered some numbers to some therapists for them to take young Charlie to. It didn't help that Charlie was wailing like a monkey due to the antidote to The Joker Toxin beginning to kick in as he screamed at the top of his lungs with a face of pure insanity.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	10. Joker Out of The Box

As Charlie gradually began to regain the color of his skin, he too began to regain the memories of his real family as Harley struggled to strap him into his carseat.

"Come on!" Harley shouted as she continued to wrestle with Charlie. They were going to meet The Fanes at the local park for a picnic but Charlie was being difficult.

"No! You're not my real mother!" Charlie snapped as he yanked his adopted mother's pigtail and it was true; these people weren't his real parents. His real father died in a car crash before he was even born and his real mother and siblings were all brutally murdered by The Joker himself in front of him.

"This is a gosh darn clutter-bucket..." The Joker complained as he smoked his cigar.

"Don't ya wanna get in the car-seat like a good boy?" Harley begged in a baby-talking tone as The Joker crudely mocked her out of annoyance. After a long, brutal hour of trying to strap Charlie down to his carseat, The Joker finally became fed up with his adopted son's constant struggling and forcefully strapped the child down to his car seat so tightly, that he couldn't even move before the family headed out, on their way to the park.

"You two are the worst parents ever!" Charlie complained as his voice began to become more high-pitched and childlike, due to the antidote's affects. He was going to get out of their clutches somehow and The Joker; he would pay for what he did to him and his family.

"Oh yeah, I treat you so badly with all the food I give you and the roof I put over your head so nicely..." The Joker replied sarcastically with a roll of his eyes as they reached the park within a matter of minutes.

"Howdy-ho neighbors!" Isaac Fane greeted happily when he saw his new friends and neighbors approaching.

"Isaac, ol' buddy! How are ya?!" The Joker grinned as he embraced Isaac in a tight, bear-hug, lifting him off of the ground slightly. Isaac couldn't help but chuckle in response as Harley began helping Bliss with the picnic setup.

"Hello Charlie; how are you?" Joy beamed happily when she noticed her new friend waddling over to her.

"Horrible!" Charlie replied bitterly.

"Why?" Joy asked in confusion.

"Those two are not my real parents..." Charlie whispered to her as be pointed over to his adopted parents who were making small talk with Joy's parents.

"Well, that's okay; many children are adopted by people who aren't their real mommies and daddies. Cookie?" Joy explained before offering Charlie a bat-shaped cookie in hopes of cheering him. Charlie politely accepted the cookie before glancing over at a nearby floodlight and getting a rather brilliant idea. He rushed over to the floodlight and turned it on before holding up the bat-shaped cookie in front of the light, casting a Bat Signal into the sky.

He vaguely remembered seeing his deceased, older brother: Cameron doing this to gain Batman's attention when he thought he had been run over by a car. He needed to signal Batman quickly before he completely returned to a helpless, human baby, due to the antidote's affects.

"Hey Isaac, what gift do you give to someone who has everything?" The Joker began one of his jokes as he neglected to take notice to Charlie signaling Batman.

"Why, I don't know neighbor; what do you give to someone who has everything?" Isaac asked curiously.

"Penicillin!" The Joker replied before he and Isaac burst into an uproar of laughter.

"Oh, Jack, ol' buddy; you are a hoot!" Isaac chuckled but their conversation was soon cut off when Batman swooped in and dropkicked The Joker, causing him to fall over onto the picnic blanket, full of food. Harley angrily rushed over to Batman to defend her husband but she was elbowed by Batman into a nearby tree that knocked her unconscious.

"Stop that! Who are you and why are you hurting my friends?!" Isaac growled as he picked up a large stick, prepared to fight The Caped Crusader.

"They aren't your friends...They're psychopathic murders..." Batman explained darkly.

"Now, that's not very nice! I know Jack and Harley are a little rough around the edges but they are by no means psychopaths!" Isaac defended as The Joker weakly stood back up, rubbing his pained shoulder as a look of concern spread over his countenance.

"His name is not Jack and he is no normal human being...He's The Joker and this is his real hair!" Batman explained before snatching The Joker's black wig off without warning. The Joker let out a shrill gasp as his messy, green hair was now exposed to The Fane Family.

"I-Isaac..." The Joker began with a crack in his voice as he reached out a hand to him for reasurement but Isaac simply backed away in shock and horror as his wife and child hid behind him fearfully. The Joker looked down sadly as his messy bangs covered his eyes. No matter where he went, no matter what he did, Batman would always be there to ruin everything for him and he was sick and tired of it.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?!" The Joker growled as he pulled his yo-yo weapon from his pocket and lassoed Batman with it. Batman struggled against the string he was wrapped in before The Joker yanked back harshly on the yo-yo, flinging Batman against a nearby tree. He then swung the yo-yo back toward Batman again but Batman leapt out of the way, causing The Joker to accidentally slice through the tree with the yo-yo's string, cutting it down. Batman flung several Baterangs at The Joker but The Joker ran, dodging every one of them before showing off with a swift front flip.

Charlie knew he needed to do something as he struggled against the antidote's affects to think of a plan. He looked around the park when he noticed a box of fireworks that another family had brought with them. Those would be perfect. Meanwhile, The Joker let out a shrill, war-cry as he flung his yo-yo at Batman but Batman sliced the string of his yo-yo with his Baterang and spin kicked The Joker. The Joker flew back once kicked but he caught himself with a backflip before turning around and running away to doge the numerous Baterangs being thrown at him.

The Joker then ducked and rolled underneath a bench before leaping over the chain-link fence and graceful landing on the other side. Batman also leapt over the fence before pulling out another Baterang.

"I've got you now Joker..." Batman growled before The Joker pulled two more yo-yos from his pocket and lassoed the Baterang that Batman was currently holding onto with both of them as Batman struggled to pull it free.

"I am so sick and tired of you ruining everything for me! I am not going to sit here and listen to you remind me of everything I hate about myself!" The Joker shouted as he used his joy buzzers to electrify the yo-yos' strings before he whipped them both, causing the Baterang to explode and fling Batman against the chain-link fence. Batman fell to the ground with a grunt and a thud before looking back up at The Joker who was now approaching him and standing over him menacingly.

"I never asked for any of this...I-I never asked to be a freak..." The Joker sobbed as tears finally began to gush from his eyes. He just wanted to live a normal life again and to have his family back but it didn't seem like that was going to happen for him.

"Jack...I..." Batman began when the ground beneath The Joker suddenly exploded. The Joker shrieked as he was sent flying through the night sky before landing on a sharp rock that impaled him through the shoulder.

"No!" Batman cried out before turning to look at the culprit. It was none other than Charlie who still had the box of fireworks and was planning to use another one to finish The Joker off. Batman stood back up to his feet and began to slowly approach Charlie so he could take the explosives away from him when he was suddenly dropkicked by Harley Quinn. Batman hit his head on a rock and was knocked unconscious as Harley pulled her gun from her purse and pointed it toward Charlie.

"Go ahead...do it...shoot your little baby: Charlie..." Charlie smirked as his teeth began to shrink back to normal from the antidote's affects. Harley hesitated for a bit but then she glanced over at her hurt and bleeding husband before remembering that Charlie wasn't her blood-related son.

"You're no son of mine..." Harley growled darkly as the antidote took affect, returning Charlie to a normal, human baby. Harley narrowed her eyes before shooting the helpless infant in the head and killing him once and for all. She then carried The Joker into her arms before running back toward their car with him and quickly driving away as fast as she could. Once she was far enough away, she pulled over to the side of the road and opened up The Joker's shirt to have a look at his wound.

"Oh Mistah. J...I'm so sorry!" Harley sobbed as tears began to stream down her cheeks, smearing her mascara. The wound was deep and was bleeding badly everywhere. Harley couldn't help but feel like it was her fault since she was the one who wanted to have a child in the first place. She held The Joker close to her and began to cry hysterically when her sobs of anguish were suddenly interrupted by The Joker's shrill screams of pain and agony.

Harley cautiously pulled away out of fear that she may have worsened her husband's injuries but was surprised to see The Joker's veins, muscles and skin reconnecting and magically healing the wound on his chest until it looked as if his chest had never been pierced at all.

"B-But how?" Harley gasped in both relief and confusion.

"The chemicals I landed in...the chemicals that made me who I am today...They've done something to me...something that allows me to never die but instead just slowly heal...How do you think I survived all of those times that I've fallen, been shot or blown up? My face was missing for an entire year Harley!" The Joker explained with a sigh before looking out the window.

"Am I going to live forever?" The Joker asked himself rhetorically with a light crack of fear in his voice when he felt Harley hug him from behind.

"I sure hope so 'cause I can't live without ya..." She whispered as The Joker began to sob softly.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	11. The Many Stages of Grief

It was almost one o' clock P.M when The Joker had awoken the next morning as he opened his puffy, blood-shot eyes. He slowly sat up as his head was pounding from crying all night last night and he rubbed the crust and dried tears from his dry, irradiated, hazel eyes.

"Good mornin' puddin'...I made ya breakfast..." Harley wiezed as she groggily stumbled into the room, holding a tray of pancakes with smiley faces made of bacon and eggs on them. She woke up feeling horribly sick that morning as she had already thrown up twice but she didn't want to worry her emotionally-crushed husband with her sickness so she just tried to keep if from him the best she could. She still had that unhealthy habit of putting The Joker's needs ahead of her own but that was only because she loved him.

"Good morning pumpkin-pie...Did you check on baby Charlie yet?" The Joker asked groggily with a yawn. Harley blinked her eyes in confusion as she had shot Charlie the night before to protect her husband. She mentally began to question if The Joker were in denial about the situation or if he just simply did not see it happen.

"M-Mistah. J...Charlie's dead..." Harley somberly admitted.

"D-Dead?! What The Devil do you mean?!" The Joker gasped in horror at the thought of his only son being dead. Charlie couldn't have died too, he couldn't have lost his son, not again.

"I-I shot him..." Harley hesitantly admitted and before she knew it, The Joker's hands were tightly enclosed around her neck.

"You...did...WHAT?! WHY WOULD YOU SHOOT MY BABY?!" The Joker growled as he began to strangle Harley.

"Puddin'! S-Stop! I-I had to! He was gonna kill ya! Don'tcha remember?!" Harley coughed out her sentences as The Joker thankfully released his grasp around her throat, snapping out of Pappa-Bear-Mode once the events that had taken place the night before flashed through his mind.

"B-But...Charlie can't be dead..." The Joker whimpered helplessly but then perked up again once he remember something.

"The Joker Toxin! He can't be dead; he's been injected with Joker Toxin!" The Joker exclaimed as a large grin grew across his countenance at the very thought that his son very-well could still be alive.

"N-No Puddin'...He's not...Batman gave him the antidote...He's gone..." Harley explained, causing The Joker's grin to drop into a broken frown.

"But why?! It isn't fair!" The Joker snapped as he grabbed Harley's shoulders and began to shake her violently.

"Why does Batman have to take everything I love away from me?! Why does he keep killing my babies?!" He shouted as he finally broke down, sobbing into Harley's chest. Harley wrapped her arms around her crying husband, pulling him into a gentle hug to comfort him. She found it ironic that she was the one that wanted to have a baby the most and that The Joker didn't to begin with and now, their only child was dead, The Joker was in tears and she didn't even care about the loss.

Why should she though? Charlie was never their real son to begin with, he never loved them, he always caused trouble, he ran away and he even ended up turning on his own, adopted family. He hurt her husband, which was something she couldn't forgive. Maybe they did deserve it but Harley loved The Joker too much for that whole 'Karma' thing to take affect on him; she just wanted good things to happen to her husband. he had been through so much his whole life and she just wanted to see something good happen to him.

Unfortunately however, Harley could feel her sickness taking over her body and she began breathing heavily as her face began to heat up.

"H-Harley? Are you okay? What's wrong?" The Joker asked as he paused his crying session and pulled away from the hug. Harley looked slightly paler than usual and was beginning to sweat profusely.

"Somethin's not right...somethin's not right, my face is hot!" Harley panicked as she began to whine and cry a bit from pain and fear. Now she was beginning to become worried about her previous condition.

"Harleen, what's the matter?!" The Joker gasped and wiped his tears away as Harley began to limp out of the bedroom.

"Mistah. J...MISTAH. J! My face is hot! I can't breath!" Harley gasped for air as she put a hand to her chest and began to scream and gasp profusely.

"What's going on?! Are you okay?!" The Joker panicked. Now he was really becoming concerned as he watched his wife limp into the bathroom. He quickly rushed over to the bathroom as he mentally questioned if he should call Nine-One-One or not. His question was answered when he walked in to see Harley sitting on the bathroom floor, propped up against the wall, convulsing.

"I'm dyin'! I'M DYIN'! This is how I die!" Harley panicked before promptly leaning over the toilet to vomit for the third time that day.

"Harleen!" The Joker panicked as he quickly pulled his cellphone from his coat pocket to call Nine-One-One but by the time he got the nine and the one keyed in Harley had involuntarily soiled herself, before collapsing onto the floor.

"Harleen no!" The Joker gasped, near tears as a knock at the door startled him, causing him to drop his cellphone. Without thinking too much about how if could have possibly been Batman, The Joker rushed over to the door and answered it to a middle-aged woman with short, brown hair, who he recognized as Harley's Mother.

"Oh Mrs. Quinzel, thank goodness you're here!" The Joker sobbed as tears fell.

"Oh my stars! Harleen! What's happened to my baby!" Harley's Mother gasped once she saw her daughter passed out on the floor as she rushed over to her aid.

"Did ya call Nine-One-One yet?!" Harley's mother screamed as she lifted her daughter up from the floor.

"I'm trying to but you knocked on the door!" The Joker shouted back, in defense as more tears streamed down his cheeks.

"We're takin' 'er to The Hospital! Help me get 'er to the car!" Harley's Mother panicked as The Joker rushed over to help his mother-in-law and his wife.

"I can't move...This is how I'm gonna die...Take care of the babies..." Harley sobbed as her mother and husband struggled to carry her limp, heavy frame toward her mother's red Minnie-Van. The Joker was wearing a dark-purple, hoodie that was pulled up over his head to cover his green hair to avoid being recognized as The Clown Prince of Crime at The Hospital.

"Don't you fall!" Harley's mother warned as the carefully dragged Harley through front door and down the front steps. Bud and Lou followed them out of the door, in concern as The Joker and Harley's Mother struggled to lift Harley into the car.

"Don't hurt yourself..." The Joker cautioned once they had finally gotten Harley into the car as Bud and Lou hopped into the back with her. By the time they had arrived at The Hospital, Harley's face was covered in vomit, her panties were full of diarrhea and her eyes were red, swollen and blood-shot, which alerted a majority of The Doctors as they were quick to rush her to The Emergency Room and hook her up to Life Support, a heart-monitor and an I.V.

"Mrs. Napier? You're having a panic attack...Breath through your nose and read out loud..." One of The Doctor's explained.

"No! This is not a panic attack! I can't breath! My heart's racin'!" Harley wiezed and panted heavily.

"Mrs. Nappier, we have your pulse hooked up, your pulse is sixty, your pulse is as good as it's going to get, your heart's not racing; you're having a panic attack..." The Doctor explained, before getting Harley to read something that calmed herself down. Once Harley was finally completely calmed down, she passed out from exhaustion and The Doctor instructed that they let her stay there and calm down until she woke up while they ran a few tests, just to be sure that nothing else was wrong with her. Harley's Mother exited the room the buy two cups of Coffee for The Joker and herself as The Joker sat by Harley's bedside and held her hand in his.

"Oh Harleen...That was quite a scare you gave Ol' Mr. J...You're all I've got left...I can't afford to lose you like I lost everyone else in my life..." The Joker solemnly explained, his voice cracking as he pulled an empty syringe from his pocket. He then hissed sharply in pain as he stuck the needle into the skin of his arm and sucked some of his toxic blood up into the needle.

He wasn't going to lose the only person, who truly ever cared about him more than even herself. He was going to make sure that she really couldn't live without him as he stuck the needle into her main vein and injected his toxic blood into her bloodstream. He then put the needle away just in time as Harley's Mother reentered the room with two cups of coffee, followed by one of The Doctors.

"Congratulations Mr. Napier; our test results show that your wife is pregnant!" The Doctor announced, provoking a horrified gasp from The Joker and causing Harley's Mother to drop both of the coffee cups onto the ground.

"YAHTZEE!" Harley screeched as she suddenly sat upright in bed with a wild look in her eyes. Everyone turned to look at her in shock as she now had pale skin that resembled The Joker's and her messy hair was now red on one side and black on the other.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	12. Anti Heroes Are The Real Heroes

Once Harley was discharged from The Hospital, her mother was kind enough to drive her, The Joker and both of their hyenas back to her house, in New Orleans and even let them all stay with her for a while until they got their lives back on track. Harley and her mother talked all about how she and The Joker had attempted to turn over a new leaf and what precautions they could take to make sure that they didn't get caught and exposed by Batman again. The Joker however, was quiet throughout the whole drive back to Harley's Mother's place as he had a lot on his mind that was bothering him. He thought all about how he had failed to even babysit Chance, Cameron, Cory, Tess and Charlie, let alone raise Charlie himself and he just feared for the worse now that Harley was pregnant with his real child. He could barely handle it when Charlie had turned against him and he was only their adopted child; The Joker didn't know if he could handle his blood-related child turning against him.

The Joker leaned against the car's window tiredly as he let out a defeated sigh, creating a small fog on the window's glass. Maybe Cameron was right when he told him that every child he would try to have would love Batman more than him. He held back tears as he let out another shaky sigh. He remembered how angry he had gotten when Cameron had blurted out that insult toward him. That was the first time anyone had ever managed to really get into The Joker's head like that.

He was now at a loss of what to do; Harley and her baby would be much better off without him but thanks to The Joker Toxins in his body, he couldn't even die, let alone kill himself. He couldn't run away because Harley loved him so much, that she would always manage to find him whenever he would go missing. He became progressively angrier with the more helpless and anxious he felt as he began to seethe gently to himself. When they arrived at Harley's Mother's house, they were greeted by Harley's obese, older brother: Barry, before they let Bud and Lou outside in Harley's Mother and Barry's fenced-in backyard so the hyenas could play with one another while Harley and her family all had a seat at the dining-room table for dinner. The Joker remained quiet through the entire dinner, which concerned Harley greatly as The Joker becoming quiet was usually a sign that something was bothering him greatly.

After dinner, Harley's Mother instructed that Harley, her husband and Barry all pitch in to clean up the mess in the kitchen from cooking dinner while she attended her late-night shift at work. Barry just sat on the couch and did nothing but play video games as expected of him, much to Harley's annoyance as The Joker almost immediately and silently began to clean up the mess in the kitchen, to help take his mind off of his private concerns. Now Harley was really concerned for her husband as The Joker often ordered her to do all of the cleaning. She felt sympathy for him that he had even lifted a finger to begin cleaning up her own family's mess as she took her own plate off of the table and brought it over to the sink for her husband while he was preoccupying himself with washing the dishes.

"Here ya go, Mistah. J." Harley grinned nervously as she offered the dirty plate out to her husband. The Joker only glanced over at her in annoyance, before angrily huffing and deciding to ignore her.

"Did ya want me to leave it on the table?" Harley questioned timidly as she figured that she may have disrupted his distraction from whatever was bothering him. The Joker only replied by snatching the plate from her hand and angrily tossing it into the sink.

"You break it, you buy it!" Barry called out from the living-room but The Joker only responded by pelting him in the head with the fork Harley was using to eat her dinner, which went unnoticed by Barry, due to him being too absorbed within the video game he was playing to notice. Now Harley knew for sure that something was wrong with her husband as him being easily agitated like this was a definite sign that something was indeed bothering him greatly so she decided to gently pry him for information, in the hopes of helping him overcome his secret dilemma.

"What's the matter Mistah. J?" She asked casually as The Joker had finished the last of the dirty dishes and had begun to wipe off the counter with the dishcloth he was previously using. He simply ignored her, however as he suddenly began to mercilessly pound his washcloth-wrapped fist onto the counter, out of frustration when he had failed to remove a tougher stain on the counter. He then proceeded to pick up the bottle of dish soap and angrily toss it into the sink, causing sud-bubbles to fill the kitchen.

"Did I do somethin'?" Harley asked nervously as The Joker giving her the silent treatment was often a sign that she had unintentionally done something to upset him.

"JUST SHUT THE HECK UP!" The Joker shouted, slamming both of his fists onto the counter, hard enough to crack it as Harley backed away from him fearfully.

"Good luck with hothead, over there..." Barry scoffed, with a sarcastic smirk and an amused chuckle.

"I AM NOT A HOT HEEEEAAAAAD!" The Joker screamed with wild eyes as he twisted his head and body around psychotically, along with his hands that twisted around into clawing gestures.

"Whoa! CALM DOWN! What'd I do?!" Harley shouted as she braved up enough to hold The Joker back from killing her brother.

"Everything is getting next to me! Everything is bothering me! I've had it up to here!" The Joker shouted as he shoved Harley away from him and held his hand up to his forehead, to indicate what limit his boiling point had reached. He then picked up the bottle of jelly that Barry had left out from earlier, during his breakfast that morning and angrily failed to toss it into the refrigerator. He then danced in place a bit before angrily snatching up the bottle and attempting to throw it into the refrigerator once again, only to once again fail miserably.

"Get in there!" He shouted as he snatched up the bottle once again and hurled it into the sink, hard enough to cause it to explode into an eruption of jelly and plastic shards all over the inside on the sink, all over the wall and all over the kitchen window.

"Great! Now we don't have any jelly for our toast in the morning..." The Joker pouted as he turned on the sink and began to hose the sticky mess down the drain.

"Mistah. J what's wrong? Please talk to me...I love ya enough to tell when somethin's wrong with ya; this isn't like ya. Please puddin', tell me what's the matter..." Harley begged as she looked up at The Joker with pleading eyes.

The Joker turned to face his wife as he angrily made eye-contact with her. Harley could see the true hurt in his eyes that he attempted to hide behind his angry glare but after a staring contest that seemed to go on for hours, The Joker's glare finally softened as he let out a sigh of defeat.

"I don't want to talk about it in front of your brother..." He solemnly admitted, finally giving in and agreeing to open up to his wife in private.

"Then let's go outside..." Harley offered as she gently took ahold of her husband's arm and lead him out to the backyard. The two took a seat in the lawn-chairs that Harley's Mother had kept on the porch as Harley waited patiently for The Joker to open up to her.

"I-I don't think I can do this, Harleen..." The Joker sighed sadly as he rested his forehead into the palm of his hand.

"Do what, puddin'?" Harley asked softly, in concern.

"I don't think...I can raise this child...I'm inexperienced, Harleen; I don't know what I'm doing...I don't know how to take care of a child and...I don't know if I will ever be able to..." The Joker explained as he was now on the verge of tears.

"Aw puddin', don't say that...You were a wonderful father...Those kids died through fault of their own; you had nothin' to do with their deaths..." Harley attempted to boost her husband's confidence.

"Oh, take off your lovestruck-goggles, Harleen...Every child we've attempted to take care of has ended up turning on us and it was all my fault...because the only fatherly guidance I had, was from my own abusive father...I've become him, Harleen...and I don't like who and what I've become..." The Joker's voice cracked as he admitted this; he had felt this way about himself for a long time and it had taken a lot of strength for him to finally admit it, even to himself.

"If I could, begin to be, half of what, you think of me, I could do about anything, I could even learn, how to love...like you..." The Joker began to sing softly as Harley just listened to his poignant melody sympathetically.

"When I see, the way, you act, wondering when, I'm coming back, I can do about anything, I can even learn, how to love...like you...I always thought, I might be bad, now I'm sure, that it's true, because I think you're so good and I'm nothing...like you..." The Joker finished his song brokenly.

"Aw puddin', you're not abusive; you was just showin' tough-love, that's all. Our blood-related baby 'll be able to handle it 'cause he or she 'll have our genes..." Harley encouraged, provoking another sigh from her husband as tears began to drip from his hazel eyes.

"I can't do this, Harley...I just wasn't meant to become anyone's father..." The Joker huffed when he and Harley's conversation was interrupted by Lou running over to them, barking and yipping frantically as if something were wrong.

"Lou? What's the matter, boy?!" Harley asked in concern but Lou only frantically tugged at The Joker's pant-leg.

"What's wrong with him, Harley?" The Joker asked, in annoyance and slight concern.

"I dunno but I think he wants you." Harley replied as Lou barked at The Joker, before running off toward the swimming pool that was in the backyard. The Joker worriedly ran after him as Harley stayed behind and watched in concern. The Joker followed Lou over to the swimming pool, where Bud had fallen in and was struggling to stay above water as he couldn't swim. Just when his paws had worn out from exhaustion and he had begun to sink to the bottom, he felt The Joker's strong arms around him, pulling him into a warm, comforting embrace as The Joker had gone out of his way to dive into the pool with all of his cloths still on to rescue Bud. He bravely climbed up the pool's stairs, carrying Bud, before laying him down into the grass and beginning to give him C.P.R.

Right as The Joker began doing this, Barry had come out for a cigarette break, only to watch in disgust as The Joker blew oxygen into Bud's mouth, not caring about the germs from where it could have been licking and pumping on his chest. After a while, Bud had coughed up the water from his lungs, before rolling back over onto his feet and beginning to happily lick The Joker's face, to thank him.

"Okay! Okay Bud, you're welcome!" The Joker chuckled.

"Ew! Gross! I can't believe you just tongued that filthy animal!" Barry grimaced as The Joker blushed lightly from embarrassment.

"He didn't 'tongue' our baby; he just saved his life, which is somethin' you'll never be able to do! Mistah. J's a real hero and he's gonna make a great father when this baby comes along!" Harley scolded, defending her husband's honor.

"Whatever..." Barry rolled his eyes, before returning inside. The Joker looked down at his and Harley's first two practice children: Bud and Lou, who were smiling back up at him while panting happily and wagging their tails as he realized that they had never turned on him and that he actually did do a good job at taking care of them.

"I really do make a great father..." The Joker realized with a shred of hope and a small, warm smile.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	13. Seed of The Joker: Final

Nine months later, all had been going well with Harley Quinn and The Joker. The Joker had been taking some classes on how to properly raise a child, along with anger management classes and he was even nice enough to accompany Harley to her lamaze classes. The lump in Harley's stomach would grow a little bit larger with each passing day and The Joker would often talk to it affectionately and even sing to it. Everything was going to be different this time; The Joker was going to have the family that he always wanted before he even became The Joker and he was going to make sure that his real child felt more loved than Charlie did. Then on that one, fateful day, it happened; Harley had awoken bright and early the next morning to a snapping sensation in her lower abdomen and a warm, wet, sticky feeling surrounding her in her mother's guest bed that she shared with her husband.

"M-Mistah. J? Puddin', wake up please..." Harley anxiously begged as she gently shook her husband awake.

"Hm? What's the matter, Harley?" The Joker groaned groggily as he didn't even bother to sit up or even roll over, to look at her.

"My water just broke..." Harley whispered into her husband's ear anxiously.

"Mm...That's nice dear..." The Joker yawned as he began to drift back off to sleep but then his eyes suddenly popped wide open as what his wife had just said to him had begun to register within his mind.

"Great, googily-moogily! We gotta go!" The Joker shouted as he took Harley's hand in his and yanked her out of the bed. The two woke Harley's Mother up as they knew that she would want to be there for her grandchild's birth then they tried to wake up Barry but he wouldn't budge so Harley, her mother and The Joker all got into Harley's Mother's Van, leaving the lazy Barry behind and Harley's Mother began to drive them to The Hospital as fast as her vehicle could carry them all.

"Siri, navigate to the nearest Hospital!" Harley's Mother frantically stated into her iPhone.

"I am sorry but I could not find any places matching: The Clearest House-Sitters." Siri replied.

"No! The nearest Hospital!" Harley's Mother repeated, in an agitated tone.

"I am sorry but I could not find: The Nearest Cat's Fiddle." Siri replied, once again mixing up what Harley's Mother had actually said.

"How do you live here your whole life and not know where the nearest Hospital is?!" The Joker impatiently snapped as Harley whaled in pain from the backseat.

"I don't normally go to The Hospital every day!" Harley's Mother frantically defended.

"Well, just type the address in! Siri's never any good and my wife is in a lot of pain!" The Joker ordered as Harley's Mother typed 'The Nearest Hospital' into the G.P.S on her phone. Harley's Mother followed the navigation for what seemed like hours until they had finally reached some random neighborhood that lead to a dead-end.

"What is this?! Where are we?! This isn't The Hospital!" The Joker panicked as Harley's screams of pain got even louder.

"Oh no! I spelled 'Hospital' wrong and my phone auto-corrected it to 'Neighborhood'!" Harley's Mother panicked.

"Well then, let's take a shortcut out of this joint and find a real Hospital!" The Joker growled as he grabbed the steering wheel without warning and steered Harley's Mother's vehicle through someone's front and backyard, through their fence and crashing through the barriers that were blocking off a closed roadway.

"What are ya doin'?! Are ya crazy?!" Harley's Mother exclaimed as she took the wheel back from The Joker.

"This road's closed! Can't ya read?!" She added as she desperately looked in vain for a place to safely turn her vehicle around.

"Relax! It's probably just closed for some minor road construction." The Joker rolled his eyes when Harley's Mother suddenly slammed on the breaks, to avoid hitting a slowly-moving Mardi Gras Float that just happened to be in front of them.

"What in The World?! GO LUG-NUTS!" The Joker aggressively shouted as he reached over to honk the vehicle's horn.

"No, stop! I think we're in The Mardi Gras Parade; they have these things like seven times a day and ten times a night." Harley's Mother explained as another Parade Float blocked them in from behind, preventing them from leaving The Parade.

"A Mardi Gras Parade?! Oo! I've always wanted to be in one of these!" Harley squealed excitedly, despite her birth pains.

"Can we stay in it for just a little while Mistah. J?! Please?! Please?!" Harley begged excitedly as The Joker glared at her firmly in response.

"I can't say 'no' to that face..." The Joker sighed in defeat after a moment of silence.

"What?! But she's pregnant!" Harley's Mother exclaimed.

"Move over, Ma, I'm drivin'!" Harley cheered as she shoved her mother into the back seat of the Van and hopped into the front seat to slowly follow The Parade Float in front of them. Harley and The Joker then rolled down both of their windows and began to wave to the crowd from both directions with large smiles plastered across their countenances, provoking a numerous amount of cheers from the crowd. It was then, that The Joker noticed the other floats behind and in front of them throwing out candy and Mardi Gras beads.

"Quick Harley, we need something to throw to the crowd; does your mother have any candy in the car?" The Joker asked as Harley frantically searched through the glove compartment and console.

"I found some cough drops!" Harley cheered as she held up a bag of cough drops that she found in the vehicle's console.

"Well at least The State of New Orleans won't be kept awake by dry coughs tonight." The Joker grinned as he and Harley began to throw cough drops to the crowd until the bag was completely empty. Once The Parade was over, Harley Quinn and The Joker had managed to get back onto the main highway but Harley's pelvic bones were already beginning to painfully separate as the baby was slowly beginning to push its way out.

"Agh! Mistah. J! I don't think I can hold this thing in anymore!" Harley yelped as she pulled over to the side of the road.

"I told you so!" Harley's Mother piped up from the backseat.

"Are you sure?" The Joker asked out of concern as his eyes widened slightly.

"Agh! YES! Its head's touchin' my underwear!" Harley groaned.

"Then I will have to deliver it..." The Joker bravely volunteered.

"What?! Ya can't deliver a baby! You're no Doctor!" Harley's Mother exclaimed.

"It's okay, Ma'; Mistah. J knows what he's doin'...He's a real hero..." Harley reassured as a confident smile spread across The Joker's countenance.

"There's a first-aid kit in the glove compartment..." Harley's Mother trustingly gave in with a nod of approval as The Joker retrieved the first-aid kit from the glove compartment. He then removed Harley's panties, before preparing to catch the baby.

"Alright Harley, push..." The Joker ordered as Harley began to push the baby out with numerous screams and cries of pain.

"I'm gonna poop, I swear!" She cried out when she suddenly felt an immense amount of relief as if a great pressure had been lifted from her lower abdomen. The Joker cut the umbilical cord as he had just finished delivering their child. He then used a piece of gauze to clean the afterbirth off of the baby as he held it gently in his arms with a warm smile.

"It's a beautiful, little girl..." The Joker grinned tearfully as he gently handed the baby over to her mother. Harley smiled as she gently cradled her newborn daughter into her arms. The pale-skinned, baby girl with the slightest hint of green fuzz at the top of her head slowly opened her hazel eyes for the first time, before happily giggling and reaching up toward her mother.

"She has your eyes..." Harley giggled tearfully as she warmly smiled up at her husband, who was lovingly smiling back at her, already in tears himself.

"Whatcha gonna name her?" Harley's Mother asked gently.

"I was thinkin' maybe...Lasagna..." Harley replied gently.

"Lasagna?" Harley's Mother asked out of confusion.

"Yeah, ain't it pretty?" Harley grinned weakly as her mother looked over to The Joker for help.

"Harley, dear? I love you very much but we are not naming our daughter 'Lasagna'..." The Joker gently but firmly instructed.

"Okay then, well, how about my second choice: Duela?" Harley suggested.

"Duela, huh? I think I like the sound of that." The Joker agreed.

"That name sounds really pretty." Harley's Mother complimented.

"Thanks!" Harley grinned when they were all interrupted by one of The Mardi Gras Parade's Employees knocking on their window. The Joker rolled down the window, to speak with The Employee as he had a feeling that The Employee might be upset with them for crashing The Parade.

"Listen, good sir; we are terribly sorry for crashing your Parade like that. You see? We sort of took a wrong turn on the way to The Hospital and we..." The Joker began to apologize, only to be cut off by The Employee.

"Sorry?! The crowd loved you guys! How would you two like a permanent position in all of The Mardi Gras Parades with your very own parade float?!" The Employee offered, much To Harley Quinn and The Joker's excitement as they celebrated by happily cheering and hugging each other tightly. So, Harley Quinn and The Joker attended their new jobs at every, single Mardi Gras Parade until they were able to afford their own place and start their new lives with their new baby: Duela.

They were one, big, rich happy family and they all lived happily ever after.

THE END...


End file.
